(Cover image credit goes to https://www.pinterest.com/alexarp/recovery/)
Recovery. A word that can mean a lot of things. In my case it is recovery from disordered eating and exercising.
It has been a long journey (one of which I go into more detail in previous blog posts). A few days ago I finally felt that indescribable “free” feeling. I have felt this feeling a few times before, but this time it truly felt different. Like I am not constantly thinking about and planning out when I am eating next, or how often/what times I am exercising throughout the week. In short, I felt normal for once. For the first time in about two years. Two years.
For two years these thoughts have pretty much consumed my every moment. It started out as what I thought were good things, like only allowing myself to eat clean foods because anything with fake sugars in it were toxins to my body. This gradually spiraled into orthorexia. I have never been “officially” diagnosed, but that is beside the point. I finally recognized that I was putting myself in severe danger mentally, physically, and emotionally. I would stress over the smallest things — things that a girl in her late teenage years really shouldn’t even be worrying about. (i.e. things that were pointless to worry about).
Over the majority of the past year I have been actively trying to break free from that “healthy, clean” lifestyle. I am not going to say that it was easy and blissful — it was far from that at times. But it’s all part of the journey. There were times where I had major recovery “wins,” but that feeling and mindset would fade out after a day or two.
Finally a few days ago, I got this feeling. One that I haven’t felt in awhile. Like I mentioned above, over the past few days I haven’t worried about how unhealthy some of the things I ate were. What I did think about is how happy I was when I wasn’t worrying about what I put into my mouth. For example, on Friday pizza sounded really good to me, and I was staying at home for the weekend, so I told my mom we should order some pizza! We got a large veggie pizza, and over the past couple years (if I was to even let myself have pizza) I always set the limit at two pieces. No more. Well guess what?! I had THREE pieces of that pizza the other night. Why?! Because 1.) it tasted darn good, 2.) an extra slice of pizza will in no way harm me, 3.) I was hungry, and 4.) I am tired of saying “no.” So what if pizza isn’t healthy. So what that it was a large pizza. So what that I only did light exercise that day. I finally truly felt like a normal 20-year-old girl.
That was only the beginning to a weekend filled with spending time with family and enjoying myself without worrying about food and exercise. I just went with the flow. Best. Feeling. Ever.
I will admit that today I have had a few thoughts about scheduling workouts, food, etc. But like I said earlier, it’s all part of the process. I am feeling good right now. I feel positive. I feel as if I can do this. I feel normal.
Recovery is worth it. It is a huge roller coaster filled with ups and downs and twists and turns, but it’s worth it. I honestly feel like I am headed on the road to true recovery. I can do this. Life is good. 🙂
To follow my journey, head on over to my page on Instagram: @laurensfitlife! You will find everything from healthy foods to pints of Ben & Jerry’s!